On being the strong one

I'm human.  We are all.  But I'm the kind of human that is known for "getting crap done".  The kind that never quits.  The kind that does what she says she's going to do.  The kind everyone else looks to when the going gets rough, because I'm a survivor.  The kind that has it together most days, at least to the outside world.  The kind that hides emotions and know matter the circumstances finds a way to "make it work."

At least until I can't anymore, and then I wander, lost, and those around me are shocked:  "How can something be wrong, you're always so strong?"  "Just keep moving forward and it will all be okay."  "Don't let the little things get you down."  "I look to you when I'm having a hard time, you can't be having a hard time too."

Us strong ones, we struggle too.  We just hide it better than the rest.  We have better coping mechanisms, be it routines, stress relievers, crutches or just the ability to hide it better.  But we feel things just as much as the next guy (or gal).  We aren't always strong, and we often doubt ourselves.  We just don't let it show.

My coping mechanism, my crutch is movement.  Running, whenever and as much as I can, for starters.  If that is temporarily taken away, then biking, swimming, hiking, walking, and whatever else I can do to keep my body moving.  When that all is taken away, I spiral quickly.

I suffered a bout of depression many years ago and took the prescribed medication to get myself on track.  My doctor told me that the key to getting off and staying off those drugs would be to stay active; and she was right.  I've managed to avoid depression and anxiety for close to 20 years now and have adequately managed my stress levels, primarily by running.  It's been 12 days since I was last able to run, and 5 since I found out I'm not even allowed to swim or bike, and the insomnia has already set in.  My temper is bubbling near the surface.  The tears flow freely and often, even in public.  The negative thoughts swirl in my head non-stop.  I don't want to go back to medications, the side effects are horrendous for me.  But the stress and anxiety have escalated quickly and it's becoming more and more difficult to maintain even the appearance of being "okay".

This too shall pass, I know this in my head and in my heart.  But in the meantime I am struggling, drowning, and there is no help in sight.  Everyone just assumes I'll be okay, because I always am.  I'm strong, I can deal with anything.  I've already dealt with so much, and really this is just a small speed bump.  And really it is, deep in my heart I know this.  But I am not in a good place and this speed bump feels like a mountain.  Being weak would suck, but right now being strong doesn't feel any easier.