Tuesday, March 4, 2014

If I die young

It's been a week of deep thoughts.  My dear hubby is out of town for work, I'm on a recovery week so not running as much as usual and Erika died.

All of this has lead to some deep thoughts on whether I've actually contributed anything to this world.  I consider myself to be a good mother, a good wife, a pretty good lawyer, and a woman of faith.  But if I were to die at a young age, would I have made a difference to anyone?  Would anyone think about my life and death as anything but a tragedy because it was cut short?

Am I selfish or giving?  Am I living every day to the fullest or just getting by?  Am I doing good things for others or only when it somehow (even if only in a small way) benefits me?  Do I even notice the blessings and gifts handed to me each day or am I too distracted by my own worries (which are usually pretty insignificant in the scheme of things) to notice?  If I were to die young, would people say that I lived a lifetime in the time that I had and that I had touched so many other lives?  Would it cause anyone to stop and think about how they were living their life and whether they should be doing something more meaningful?  Would I leave behind a good example for my kids for how to live each day meaningfully?

While I have no doubt that God has a plan for all of us, I can't help but think that somehow part of his plan for Erika was that she would touch many lives with her death (including mine), like she did every day of her life.  Ultimately, it comes down to this:  what changes do I need to make in my life to have that kind of positive impact on others?  What has God already led me to, and what is his plan for me going forward?  Feet of Faith was a great start, and will be continued, but I know there is more in store.  I suppose for now, I just have to keep searching and stay open to discovering it.

And for the record, I have no reason to believe I'm going to die anytime soon . . .

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

It's been too long

Really, it has been way too long . . . so long in fact that I couldn't remember my user ID or password.  Ugh!  I suppose that's a good thing, meaning all has been well.  Or maybe not so great--I haven't found or made the time to come here and reflect.  There is something to be said for taking the time to process and document one's thoughts and I haven't exactly made time to do that in 8 months.  Oops!

And the reason I've found my way back, isn't exactly cheery.  But first, let me take a step back.  It has been almost 2 years since my whirlwind of health scares began.  I'm so blessed that so far the result has been nothing, zip, zilch, nada.  Every six months I worry for about a week, go have blood drawn, wait my turn in a waiting room filed with people who look (and are) very sick and without hair to spend my 10 minutes with a doctor or PA who tells me that my blood work "looks good, except that I'm a bit anemic, but that's to be expected for a woman of my age who runs."  After thoroughly questioning the doctor (every time) whether the "bit anemic" could somehow be a symptom of something more related to SLL and being thoroughly assured that this is the exact opposite of what one would expect if I was showing symptoms of SLL, I go on about my merry way for another 6 months.  Almost 2 years in and having some perspective on the whole thing I've basically called "BS" and have found the blessings in life instead of thinking about the possibility that I may have SLL (or something so very much worse, for that matter).

Which brings to me what's been on my mind.  I have an acquaintance, well more like ex-boyfriend from high-school from whom things ended rather badly and we have not stayed in touch.  And by "not stayed in touch", I mean we have not become "friends" on Facebook (as benign as that typically is) or otherwise had any involvement (direct or otherwise) in each others lives for almost 25 years.  However, we have some mutual Facebook friends and as a result of comments made over the last few months, it has become apparent to me that his wife is dying of some type of cancer in her brain. She is likely younger than me and has pre-high school age kids.  Somehow, this has been sticking with me daily for weeks.  I've been praying for this complete stranger daily for months and have been trying to resolve the tragedy to those who love her so dearly with the bigger picture.  I find myself wanting to reach out to this woman, a woman I've never met who happens to be married to a man I have no desire to reconnect with in any way.  A woman who, under different circumstances, could have been me . . . could still be me at any moment.

There is nothing I could say to her that would be anything other than weird, and so maybe what I should be taking from this is gratitude for what I have.  The view that every single second of every single day is nothing less than a blessing and a gift.  That every moment I waste on something useless, or dumb, or feeling sorry for myself or letting myself be overwhelmed with stress and worry is a moment in which I'm not appreciating the precious gift that is life.  And life is too short and too precious to waste.

God bless you Erika, this stranger is praying for you every day . . .