It is looking more and more like my goal race is going to be out of reach this year. I'm 8 days away, still limping, not really improving much and frankly I am to the point where I'd just be happy if I could walk without pain, regardless of whether I could run in a week or not. I'm trying not to lose hope, as a lot can happen in a week. But I also know not to expect miracles in that time frame either.
I started on this journey with the goal of enjoying every step of the training, of having fun with something I knew would be really hard. Since I currently have so much time to reflect on goal, I can honestly say that with the exception of two injuries (both being sudden, random and very, very painful), I have made the most of my 8 months of training. I have run many miles with my kids--in the Dome, on trails, on paved paths and road. I have run many miles with our one-year old lab--both on and off leash (often on trails and/or in the dark). I've enjoyed so many early mornings, and some evenings, with my dear friend Mandy--exploring new trails (often in the dark, see a theme here?) and enjoying old favorites, rising early (oh so very early some days to accommodate my schedule--even when she had the day off), in below zero temps, in heat and humidity and even in thunder and lightening. We've stopped to take pictures of incredible ice formations, rivers, waterfalls, wildlife, the moon, sunrises, Lake Superior, my kids, my dog, her dog, our shoes and any other random thing you might find interesting when running hundreds of miles together. I made a point to go back and look at the photos I've taken on my phone since the beginning of this year and I wasn't surprised to see that I've taken a lot of photos while running. I've experienced the seasons, first-hand, and the delight in the changing of the seasons as I gradually transitioned from needing two pairs of mittens and all the clothes, to no more than shorts and a tank top. I've enjoyed watching my puppy run free while we have the trails to ourselves as the sun rises through the trees. I spent 7 hours exploring new trails, including the summit of 5 peaks over 23 miles, and enjoyed being in awe of all the north woods have to offer. I ran my first trail half marathon and had more fun than I've had racing in a long time (despite coming in pretty close to last).
Even if I am able to run my race in 8 days, there's a part of me that wants to do this again next year. The training has been a ton of work, and very time consuming (I'm so much slower on trails than the road), but it has been a lot of fun. However, it feels very selfish to take so much time to myself. To take time away from Chad & the kids. Chad already knows I'll have to try again if I can't complete the race next week, and he's accepted that. He understand me, understands that I'm not a quitter and that this is something I have my heart set on finishing. He also understands disappointment in training and not being able to finish what you start as he has gotten injured leading up to races and not been able to toe the starting line. But I understand that while I have been out seeing the beauty of the north woods, running and training day after day after day, I have been giving up time with my kids, time with Chad, time to sleep, time to get chores done around the house that either get pushed off another week, not done at all or that Chad takes care of for me. I understand the selfishness of this, and the amount of love Chad has for me by allowing me this time and luxury of training for such a big goal.
And while I am really struggling with where I am right now, I also recognize how lucky I am. I have a husband and kids who love me and support me in these crazy goals. I have kids to run with at the end of long runs when I'm tired and want to quit. I have a crazy lab that is ready to go whenever I might hint that he can. I have an incredible friend and training partner, who is willing to get up at crazy hours on her days off and who is willing to run whatever pace I am able to run, even though it is much, much slower than her real training pace. I have the means to buy the clothes and gear I need to be able to train, and a job that offers flexibility to fit runs in when Chad is out of town. I live in a community that gives me safe running options, even at 5am in the dead of winter. I have a body that is generally strong enough to support my crazy dreams. I am damn lucky, despite how badly this setback hurts right now.
I may not be able to complete this goal this time around, but the journey has been incredible. I can only imagine what the journey to try again in a year might look like, but I suspect it will look a lot like my camera roll (both the one on my phone and in my mind) over the last 8 months. And despite my current misery, that actually makes me smile.
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