I'm human. We are all. But I'm the kind of human that is known for "getting crap done". The kind that never quits. The kind that does what she says she's going to do. The kind everyone else looks to when the going gets rough, because I'm a survivor. The kind that has it together most days, at least to the outside world. The kind that hides emotions and know matter the circumstances finds a way to "make it work."
At least until I can't anymore, and then I wander, lost, and those around me are shocked: "How can something be wrong, you're always so strong?" "Just keep moving forward and it will all be okay." "Don't let the little things get you down." "I look to you when I'm having a hard time, you can't be having a hard time too."
Us strong ones, we struggle too. We just hide it better than the rest. We have better coping mechanisms, be it routines, stress relievers, crutches or just the ability to hide it better. But we feel things just as much as the next guy (or gal). We aren't always strong, and we often doubt ourselves. We just don't let it show.
My coping mechanism, my crutch is movement. Running, whenever and as much as I can, for starters. If that is temporarily taken away, then biking, swimming, hiking, walking, and whatever else I can do to keep my body moving. When that all is taken away, I spiral quickly.
I suffered a bout of depression many years ago and took the prescribed medication to get myself on track. My doctor told me that the key to getting off and staying off those drugs would be to stay active; and she was right. I've managed to avoid depression and anxiety for close to 20 years now and have adequately managed my stress levels, primarily by running. It's been 12 days since I was last able to run, and 5 since I found out I'm not even allowed to swim or bike, and the insomnia has already set in. My temper is bubbling near the surface. The tears flow freely and often, even in public. The negative thoughts swirl in my head non-stop. I don't want to go back to medications, the side effects are horrendous for me. But the stress and anxiety have escalated quickly and it's becoming more and more difficult to maintain even the appearance of being "okay".
This too shall pass, I know this in my head and in my heart. But in the meantime I am struggling, drowning, and there is no help in sight. Everyone just assumes I'll be okay, because I always am. I'm strong, I can deal with anything. I've already dealt with so much, and really this is just a small speed bump. And really it is, deep in my heart I know this. But I am not in a good place and this speed bump feels like a mountain. Being weak would suck, but right now being strong doesn't feel any easier.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Friday, August 10, 2018
Low-lows, part 2
It is looking more and more like my goal race is going to be out of reach this year. I'm 8 days away, still limping, not really improving much and frankly I am to the point where I'd just be happy if I could walk without pain, regardless of whether I could run in a week or not. I'm trying not to lose hope, as a lot can happen in a week. But I also know not to expect miracles in that time frame either.
I started on this journey with the goal of enjoying every step of the training, of having fun with something I knew would be really hard. Since I currently have so much time to reflect on goal, I can honestly say that with the exception of two injuries (both being sudden, random and very, very painful), I have made the most of my 8 months of training. I have run many miles with my kids--in the Dome, on trails, on paved paths and road. I have run many miles with our one-year old lab--both on and off leash (often on trails and/or in the dark). I've enjoyed so many early mornings, and some evenings, with my dear friend Mandy--exploring new trails (often in the dark, see a theme here?) and enjoying old favorites, rising early (oh so very early some days to accommodate my schedule--even when she had the day off), in below zero temps, in heat and humidity and even in thunder and lightening. We've stopped to take pictures of incredible ice formations, rivers, waterfalls, wildlife, the moon, sunrises, Lake Superior, my kids, my dog, her dog, our shoes and any other random thing you might find interesting when running hundreds of miles together. I made a point to go back and look at the photos I've taken on my phone since the beginning of this year and I wasn't surprised to see that I've taken a lot of photos while running. I've experienced the seasons, first-hand, and the delight in the changing of the seasons as I gradually transitioned from needing two pairs of mittens and all the clothes, to no more than shorts and a tank top. I've enjoyed watching my puppy run free while we have the trails to ourselves as the sun rises through the trees. I spent 7 hours exploring new trails, including the summit of 5 peaks over 23 miles, and enjoyed being in awe of all the north woods have to offer. I ran my first trail half marathon and had more fun than I've had racing in a long time (despite coming in pretty close to last).
Even if I am able to run my race in 8 days, there's a part of me that wants to do this again next year. The training has been a ton of work, and very time consuming (I'm so much slower on trails than the road), but it has been a lot of fun. However, it feels very selfish to take so much time to myself. To take time away from Chad & the kids. Chad already knows I'll have to try again if I can't complete the race next week, and he's accepted that. He understand me, understands that I'm not a quitter and that this is something I have my heart set on finishing. He also understands disappointment in training and not being able to finish what you start as he has gotten injured leading up to races and not been able to toe the starting line. But I understand that while I have been out seeing the beauty of the north woods, running and training day after day after day, I have been giving up time with my kids, time with Chad, time to sleep, time to get chores done around the house that either get pushed off another week, not done at all or that Chad takes care of for me. I understand the selfishness of this, and the amount of love Chad has for me by allowing me this time and luxury of training for such a big goal.
And while I am really struggling with where I am right now, I also recognize how lucky I am. I have a husband and kids who love me and support me in these crazy goals. I have kids to run with at the end of long runs when I'm tired and want to quit. I have a crazy lab that is ready to go whenever I might hint that he can. I have an incredible friend and training partner, who is willing to get up at crazy hours on her days off and who is willing to run whatever pace I am able to run, even though it is much, much slower than her real training pace. I have the means to buy the clothes and gear I need to be able to train, and a job that offers flexibility to fit runs in when Chad is out of town. I live in a community that gives me safe running options, even at 5am in the dead of winter. I have a body that is generally strong enough to support my crazy dreams. I am damn lucky, despite how badly this setback hurts right now.
I may not be able to complete this goal this time around, but the journey has been incredible. I can only imagine what the journey to try again in a year might look like, but I suspect it will look a lot like my camera roll (both the one on my phone and in my mind) over the last 8 months. And despite my current misery, that actually makes me smile.
I started on this journey with the goal of enjoying every step of the training, of having fun with something I knew would be really hard. Since I currently have so much time to reflect on goal, I can honestly say that with the exception of two injuries (both being sudden, random and very, very painful), I have made the most of my 8 months of training. I have run many miles with my kids--in the Dome, on trails, on paved paths and road. I have run many miles with our one-year old lab--both on and off leash (often on trails and/or in the dark). I've enjoyed so many early mornings, and some evenings, with my dear friend Mandy--exploring new trails (often in the dark, see a theme here?) and enjoying old favorites, rising early (oh so very early some days to accommodate my schedule--even when she had the day off), in below zero temps, in heat and humidity and even in thunder and lightening. We've stopped to take pictures of incredible ice formations, rivers, waterfalls, wildlife, the moon, sunrises, Lake Superior, my kids, my dog, her dog, our shoes and any other random thing you might find interesting when running hundreds of miles together. I made a point to go back and look at the photos I've taken on my phone since the beginning of this year and I wasn't surprised to see that I've taken a lot of photos while running. I've experienced the seasons, first-hand, and the delight in the changing of the seasons as I gradually transitioned from needing two pairs of mittens and all the clothes, to no more than shorts and a tank top. I've enjoyed watching my puppy run free while we have the trails to ourselves as the sun rises through the trees. I spent 7 hours exploring new trails, including the summit of 5 peaks over 23 miles, and enjoyed being in awe of all the north woods have to offer. I ran my first trail half marathon and had more fun than I've had racing in a long time (despite coming in pretty close to last).
Even if I am able to run my race in 8 days, there's a part of me that wants to do this again next year. The training has been a ton of work, and very time consuming (I'm so much slower on trails than the road), but it has been a lot of fun. However, it feels very selfish to take so much time to myself. To take time away from Chad & the kids. Chad already knows I'll have to try again if I can't complete the race next week, and he's accepted that. He understand me, understands that I'm not a quitter and that this is something I have my heart set on finishing. He also understands disappointment in training and not being able to finish what you start as he has gotten injured leading up to races and not been able to toe the starting line. But I understand that while I have been out seeing the beauty of the north woods, running and training day after day after day, I have been giving up time with my kids, time with Chad, time to sleep, time to get chores done around the house that either get pushed off another week, not done at all or that Chad takes care of for me. I understand the selfishness of this, and the amount of love Chad has for me by allowing me this time and luxury of training for such a big goal.
And while I am really struggling with where I am right now, I also recognize how lucky I am. I have a husband and kids who love me and support me in these crazy goals. I have kids to run with at the end of long runs when I'm tired and want to quit. I have a crazy lab that is ready to go whenever I might hint that he can. I have an incredible friend and training partner, who is willing to get up at crazy hours on her days off and who is willing to run whatever pace I am able to run, even though it is much, much slower than her real training pace. I have the means to buy the clothes and gear I need to be able to train, and a job that offers flexibility to fit runs in when Chad is out of town. I live in a community that gives me safe running options, even at 5am in the dead of winter. I have a body that is generally strong enough to support my crazy dreams. I am damn lucky, despite how badly this setback hurts right now.
I may not be able to complete this goal this time around, but the journey has been incredible. I can only imagine what the journey to try again in a year might look like, but I suspect it will look a lot like my camera roll (both the one on my phone and in my mind) over the last 8 months. And despite my current misery, that actually makes me smile.
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
High-highs and low-lows
It's funny (not haha funny) how life works sometimes. I am a preparer. I am not a spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. I like to know what I'm getting into, and then plan and prepare for it properly. I rarely decide last minute to race, making rare exceptions for 5ks and 10ks (usually because my kids are racing). I follow training plans to a "t". I don't skip workouts, unless I'm injured or really sick (and I mean really sick). I might move scheduled workouts around a bit, but at the end of each week I am typically less than a mile short of my training plan for the week. I practice race nutrition, I do long runs, I do back to back long runs when my coach tells me to. When I decided to run a difficult 50k, I trained on the gnarliest, rootiest, rockiest, hilliest, most nasty trail I could find, day after day after day. I trained with my headlamp in the dark, on those nasty trails, so that I'd be ready for the first hour of the race in the dark. I spent almost 7 hours navigating the 20 mile loop of the race course (with several wrong turns and a few extra miles thrown in), the day after running 13 miles on hilly trails, so that I would know what it felt like to summit the peaks on tired legs. I did everything I could to be successful at what I knew would be the hardest race of my life.
Three weeks from race day I had a big weekend, 39 miles in about 43 hours. All of them on trail, almost all of them with my always-willing adventure buddy, and some of them in the dark. I had the biggest week of elevation gain, and mileage of my life. I was riding high, feeling good about my months of hard work, feeling ready to go nail the race in 3 weeks and knowing I was officially tapering now. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard, but satisfying, it was going to be to finish the race after preparing, practicing and working consistently for 8 months toward this goal. I finally had the confidence of knowing "I can do this!"
And then, a mere 3 days later I stepped down wrong while running the same trail I've spent hundreds of miles on over the years. I rolled my ankle and it hurt. I was able to run home, and it was sore but didn't seem too bad. Then the swelling started, the bruise along the side of my foot appeared and the pain in the top of my foot gradually increased. And suddenly I could see all my hard work, and all my preparations going down the drain.
To say that I experienced despair would be an understatement. It's ridiculous, and the rational part of my brain knows this. I might be healed in time to run (after all, I've confirmed with x-rays that there are no broken bones, no stress fractures, and no or dislocated bones or joints). And if I'm not, there's always next year. And really, isn't this all a first world problem anyways? But still, the downward spiral of my emotions is real, and uncontrollable, and has left me feeling like I don't even want to get out of bed. It's ridiculous, I know, but the feelings are what they are.
And yet part of me wants to feel this pain, this despair, this overwhelming sadness for what I fear is now outside of my reach. Because isn't the pain and sadness of disappointment and sorrow what makes the good in life actually feel good? If we don't feel the pain and learn to deal with it, regardless of its source, don't we just take the successes and joys in life for granted?
I am reminded of Henrik, who worked very hard for months to take down a team swim record this past spring. He got to his last swim in his age group for that event at the state championships and was determined that he was going to beat it (he was very close, so it was reasonable to think he could). He finished the race, and did not break the record. He was devastated and found his way to my lap in the very crowded stands, soaking wet from the pool, sobbing about how it's not fair that he failed when he worked so hard and tried so hard to do his best. My heart broke for him, as I wanted to see him break the record and because I knew how heartbroken he was for having fallen short of his goal. But I also knew he had another event to swim in 10 minutes and that I had to get him back down to the pool with his emotions under control so he could do his best for his last event at his first state meet. He was able to do so, with what looked like an "ugly swim", but somehow managed to pull a slight PR. It didn't make up for his failure, but it did light a fire in his belly to work even harder for the next swim season (which he has done all summer long, resulting in some huge time drops in his only summer swim meet). And somehow in the end, I think that after a fairy-tail first swim season, this failure taught him more than he would have learned if he had succeeded.
The low-lows are always so very hard, but they are not what defines us. We are instead defined by how we handle them, how we rebound from them, and what we learn from them. I'm not sure yet, if this low-low is the end of this training cycle and the end of my dream of completing my first 50k this year. But I do know that I need to figure out what my rebound is going to look like, either way, so I can move forward and find new (or renewed) goals. And regardless, I need to move past the emotions so that I can be ready for race day in case I can run. When I am able to run this 50k (whether it is in 11 days or next year), the high-high of that success will be even higher than it would have been if I hadn't had this adversity thrown into the mix. I am not defined by a fluke injury a few weeks out from the race, but I am defined by my work ethic and my "never quit" approach to life. This is something a stupid sprained ankle/foot cannot take away from me.
Three weeks from race day I had a big weekend, 39 miles in about 43 hours. All of them on trail, almost all of them with my always-willing adventure buddy, and some of them in the dark. I had the biggest week of elevation gain, and mileage of my life. I was riding high, feeling good about my months of hard work, feeling ready to go nail the race in 3 weeks and knowing I was officially tapering now. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard, but satisfying, it was going to be to finish the race after preparing, practicing and working consistently for 8 months toward this goal. I finally had the confidence of knowing "I can do this!"
And then, a mere 3 days later I stepped down wrong while running the same trail I've spent hundreds of miles on over the years. I rolled my ankle and it hurt. I was able to run home, and it was sore but didn't seem too bad. Then the swelling started, the bruise along the side of my foot appeared and the pain in the top of my foot gradually increased. And suddenly I could see all my hard work, and all my preparations going down the drain.
To say that I experienced despair would be an understatement. It's ridiculous, and the rational part of my brain knows this. I might be healed in time to run (after all, I've confirmed with x-rays that there are no broken bones, no stress fractures, and no or dislocated bones or joints). And if I'm not, there's always next year. And really, isn't this all a first world problem anyways? But still, the downward spiral of my emotions is real, and uncontrollable, and has left me feeling like I don't even want to get out of bed. It's ridiculous, I know, but the feelings are what they are.
And yet part of me wants to feel this pain, this despair, this overwhelming sadness for what I fear is now outside of my reach. Because isn't the pain and sadness of disappointment and sorrow what makes the good in life actually feel good? If we don't feel the pain and learn to deal with it, regardless of its source, don't we just take the successes and joys in life for granted?
I am reminded of Henrik, who worked very hard for months to take down a team swim record this past spring. He got to his last swim in his age group for that event at the state championships and was determined that he was going to beat it (he was very close, so it was reasonable to think he could). He finished the race, and did not break the record. He was devastated and found his way to my lap in the very crowded stands, soaking wet from the pool, sobbing about how it's not fair that he failed when he worked so hard and tried so hard to do his best. My heart broke for him, as I wanted to see him break the record and because I knew how heartbroken he was for having fallen short of his goal. But I also knew he had another event to swim in 10 minutes and that I had to get him back down to the pool with his emotions under control so he could do his best for his last event at his first state meet. He was able to do so, with what looked like an "ugly swim", but somehow managed to pull a slight PR. It didn't make up for his failure, but it did light a fire in his belly to work even harder for the next swim season (which he has done all summer long, resulting in some huge time drops in his only summer swim meet). And somehow in the end, I think that after a fairy-tail first swim season, this failure taught him more than he would have learned if he had succeeded.
The low-lows are always so very hard, but they are not what defines us. We are instead defined by how we handle them, how we rebound from them, and what we learn from them. I'm not sure yet, if this low-low is the end of this training cycle and the end of my dream of completing my first 50k this year. But I do know that I need to figure out what my rebound is going to look like, either way, so I can move forward and find new (or renewed) goals. And regardless, I need to move past the emotions so that I can be ready for race day in case I can run. When I am able to run this 50k (whether it is in 11 days or next year), the high-high of that success will be even higher than it would have been if I hadn't had this adversity thrown into the mix. I am not defined by a fluke injury a few weeks out from the race, but I am defined by my work ethic and my "never quit" approach to life. This is something a stupid sprained ankle/foot cannot take away from me.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Doing hard things, for the right reasons
Doing hard things . . . for the right reasons. I decided about a year ago to attempt to do something hard, something very hard in fact. It's something that has been rolling around in the back of my mind for a few years, just waiting for me to find the courage to say "I'm going to do this." I started working, training and planning last fall and despite some set backs and weird, random injuries I have been diligently making progress. It's a race, yes. But a new distance (50k, wait what?!) and trail with significant climbing and lots of technical sections (um sure, why not?). I've long loved trail running and have spent plenty of time over the years running the local sections near my house. I've never put more than 7 miles together on a trail, but seriously the trails I run are pretty gnarly with plenty of climbing. And when it comes down to it, every time I step on a trail I feel a huge sense of relief, a sense of "yes, this is what it's all about!"
I made the mistake (maybe?) of mentioning this goal to a few running partners. We're friends, but not close friends. They are younger, and faster than me, and definitely competitive with each other and me and well, anyone else along the way. The next thing I know they both had signed up to run as well.
At first I thought, "Great! More running partners!" But after a few months, it felt more like they were trying to compete with me than run with me. I strayed and have mostly gone my own way in training and feel so much better than when I was trying to run with them.
I'd love to have a "fast" time, with "fast" being relative when you're on trail, with roots, rocks, mud, and 3,200 feet of gain. But really, I just love to be out on the trail. That's not the way everyone feels, and I get it. Trail running takes you out of your comfort zone, it pushes you to readjust your pace, your stride, your breathing every 1/2 mile, 100 feet, 10 steps. Not everyone digs that. Not everyone can get past the idea that they aren't running their personal best time for a particular distance. Not everyone gets that just being on the trail IS the reward. It's hard, and that's the point. It's slower, but you find new muscles, new strength and new views (porcupine, anyone?), every single day.
And running an ultra-marathon isn't about bragging rights, so everyone else thinks you're strong. Well maybe it is, but that's not what it is to me. It's about putting myself out there, being vulnerable, working hard for something new (and hard), knowing I might fail but doing it anyways, proving to myself (and frankly, to no one else) how strong I really am (mentally and physically). It's about putting in the work, every single day, and showing my kids that hard efforts pay off. That it's worth the wait for the reward, instead of only working toward things you can do without putting in much effort. I like to think that I'm teaching my kids, by example, important life lessons, that I'm setting a good example for them and that when they are faced with hard things in life they'll remember how hard mom worked to achieve hard things, because it brought her personal satisfaction. I also like to think that I'm doing it for "me", to find time for myself and to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Not who I have to be (attorney, mom, wife), but who I want to be. Someone I who will look back on some day and think "I did some interesting things and boy were they fun!".
This brings me back to why I started this post in the first place. Unless you're going to win (not me), all races are really just competitions with ourselves; competitions to be better today than we were yesterday (or last week, last month or last year). Sometimes people can't get past the mentality of beating others, be it strangers or friends. That's not why I'm here. That's not what I'm in it for. Sure, I don't want to be last, and so far I've succeeded in that, but even that's not what it's about.
This was most apparent to me in a recent trail race: 13 miles with 2,300 feet of gain, and two summits, with cool views (it's not called the Twin Peaks for nothing). Running part with running partners/friends and a stranger, and when I stopped to get a rock out of my shoe the friends took off. The stranger was out of her element, struggling and nervous about the bridge crossing the river. I could have left her to fend for herself and taken several minutes off my time and probably would have been exhausted for my efforts. But in hindsight even if I had taken off, I would not have finished a single place higher in rankings. Instead, I spent some time with a stranger (ie, friend I hadn't met yet), helped her stay on course, helped her conquer some fears and helped her finish the hardest race she (and I) had ever run. But instead of pushing myself to exhaustion (despite having run 10 miles the day before), I crossed the finish line looking and feeling like I had several more miles in me. I crossed the finish line smiling because I was having fun. I put in the miles and hours on the trail, in all kinds of conditions and it paid off. And I gained the confidence to know that I can succeed in the upcoming 50k.
Another friend, and running partner, who is fastest enough to win (actually, she did even though she seriously sprained her ankle at mile 2) runs my long runs with me almost every week. I made my goal of not taking twice as long as her to finish (may not seem like much of a goal, but I didn't beat it by much). Yet, we are soul mates when it comes to running, friendship and life philosophy. We are both thrilled for the other's efforts, she is willing to run with me at my pace; and just as importantly with my kids at their pace (which on the trail is even slower than mine) and she does it because she enjoys it, not because she has to. She's out there enjoying the trails because they are fun, not because she heard a friend was running a race so she thought "why not?" and now needs to get trail time to be ready. She pushes herself . . . to try to win, but mostly to try to be better than she was yesterday. She is an inspiration and regularly reminds me that working hard pays off and that the pay off is personal satisfaction of knowing you did something you weren't sure you were capable of doing before you set out to try. And that is what doing hard things is all about.
I made the mistake (maybe?) of mentioning this goal to a few running partners. We're friends, but not close friends. They are younger, and faster than me, and definitely competitive with each other and me and well, anyone else along the way. The next thing I know they both had signed up to run as well.
At first I thought, "Great! More running partners!" But after a few months, it felt more like they were trying to compete with me than run with me. I strayed and have mostly gone my own way in training and feel so much better than when I was trying to run with them.
I'd love to have a "fast" time, with "fast" being relative when you're on trail, with roots, rocks, mud, and 3,200 feet of gain. But really, I just love to be out on the trail. That's not the way everyone feels, and I get it. Trail running takes you out of your comfort zone, it pushes you to readjust your pace, your stride, your breathing every 1/2 mile, 100 feet, 10 steps. Not everyone digs that. Not everyone can get past the idea that they aren't running their personal best time for a particular distance. Not everyone gets that just being on the trail IS the reward. It's hard, and that's the point. It's slower, but you find new muscles, new strength and new views (porcupine, anyone?), every single day.
And running an ultra-marathon isn't about bragging rights, so everyone else thinks you're strong. Well maybe it is, but that's not what it is to me. It's about putting myself out there, being vulnerable, working hard for something new (and hard), knowing I might fail but doing it anyways, proving to myself (and frankly, to no one else) how strong I really am (mentally and physically). It's about putting in the work, every single day, and showing my kids that hard efforts pay off. That it's worth the wait for the reward, instead of only working toward things you can do without putting in much effort. I like to think that I'm teaching my kids, by example, important life lessons, that I'm setting a good example for them and that when they are faced with hard things in life they'll remember how hard mom worked to achieve hard things, because it brought her personal satisfaction. I also like to think that I'm doing it for "me", to find time for myself and to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Not who I have to be (attorney, mom, wife), but who I want to be. Someone I who will look back on some day and think "I did some interesting things and boy were they fun!".
This brings me back to why I started this post in the first place. Unless you're going to win (not me), all races are really just competitions with ourselves; competitions to be better today than we were yesterday (or last week, last month or last year). Sometimes people can't get past the mentality of beating others, be it strangers or friends. That's not why I'm here. That's not what I'm in it for. Sure, I don't want to be last, and so far I've succeeded in that, but even that's not what it's about.
This was most apparent to me in a recent trail race: 13 miles with 2,300 feet of gain, and two summits, with cool views (it's not called the Twin Peaks for nothing). Running part with running partners/friends and a stranger, and when I stopped to get a rock out of my shoe the friends took off. The stranger was out of her element, struggling and nervous about the bridge crossing the river. I could have left her to fend for herself and taken several minutes off my time and probably would have been exhausted for my efforts. But in hindsight even if I had taken off, I would not have finished a single place higher in rankings. Instead, I spent some time with a stranger (ie, friend I hadn't met yet), helped her stay on course, helped her conquer some fears and helped her finish the hardest race she (and I) had ever run. But instead of pushing myself to exhaustion (despite having run 10 miles the day before), I crossed the finish line looking and feeling like I had several more miles in me. I crossed the finish line smiling because I was having fun. I put in the miles and hours on the trail, in all kinds of conditions and it paid off. And I gained the confidence to know that I can succeed in the upcoming 50k.
Another friend, and running partner, who is fastest enough to win (actually, she did even though she seriously sprained her ankle at mile 2) runs my long runs with me almost every week. I made my goal of not taking twice as long as her to finish (may not seem like much of a goal, but I didn't beat it by much). Yet, we are soul mates when it comes to running, friendship and life philosophy. We are both thrilled for the other's efforts, she is willing to run with me at my pace; and just as importantly with my kids at their pace (which on the trail is even slower than mine) and she does it because she enjoys it, not because she has to. She's out there enjoying the trails because they are fun, not because she heard a friend was running a race so she thought "why not?" and now needs to get trail time to be ready. She pushes herself . . . to try to win, but mostly to try to be better than she was yesterday. She is an inspiration and regularly reminds me that working hard pays off and that the pay off is personal satisfaction of knowing you did something you weren't sure you were capable of doing before you set out to try. And that is what doing hard things is all about.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Why I can't jump on the #metoo bandwagon
#metoo . . A hashtag and 5 letters can say a lot about someone's life experiences. It can unite strangers in a common pain, common healing, common awareness. The sheer volume of people who have shared their experiences or simply posted #metoo somewhere on social media is astonishing. But really none of this is that surprising, not even a little. Any woman, of any race, social class, or education level, regardless of attractiveness (or not), can tell you that sexual assault and sexual harassment happen every day, to every kind of woman (and girl). If you're a woman and you tell me it hasn't happened to you or anyone you know you're either lying or oblivious. If you're a woman and you tell me that problem isn't as bad as everyone is "outing" with the #metoo hashtag you have been incredibly sheltered in life (and well, lucky for you).
The reality, and it's a frightening one, is that the problem is likely 10 times worse. For every woman who reports sexual assault to the police, there are many, MANY, more who do not. For every woman who reports sexual harassment to a superior, there are many, MANY, more who do not. How do I know this? I fit both categories and I have many friends who fit one, the other, or both as well.
And while I believe the #metoo campaign (campaign, is that even the right word?) is important for awareness, and I vigorously applaud those willing and able to use their voice to advance this cause, I cannot be one of those people.
I knew at the time my sexual assault occurred that the backlash, the victim blaming and similar behaviors would be more than I could endure. Especially in my then-fragile state of just trying to survive each day. I knew that I would never see legal justice, as very few do, and that his job as a prosecutor (in the county where it occurred) would be more than I could overcome with the truth. Even though I knew, then, deep down inside of me (and 18 years later, I know with certainty) that it was not my fault, that I did not do anything to cause him to rape me, that he alone made the decision to hurt me. I also knew that the in my survivor-mode I did not have the courage to fight that public battle of reporting the incident. I did not have the courage to look my father in the face and say "this happened to me, your little girl." I did not have the courage to tell my mother that I was now blemished for life.
Over the years I have had the courage to tell exactly 3 people: my best friend at the time, my therapist (the hiring of which was to deal with the assault after my best friend pushed and prodded me to get desperately needed help to deal with it after I spent several months sleeping in a closet with the lights on), and my now husband. It was difficult to tell each of them, though none of them judged, thank God. But as #metoo has spread, my husband continues to express shock as to how many people he knows who are "coming out", if you will, who he had no idea had endured such issues. When I tried to explain to him that probably half the women he knows has had some kind of issue, he blew it off as an exaggeration. This is my own husband, a man who believes in women, who respects women, who supports me, always and unconditionally, and who is appalled that there is so much of this out there. Yet, he is oblivious as to the scope of the problem and can't imagine it's really as big as I'm trying to tell him it is.
And as powerful as #metoo is, over of the last few days I've read the comment boards & I've heard some of the discussion (mostly, but not entirely from men) that the women in Hollywood knew exactly what they were doing and they made millions off "enduring" (used with easily identified sarcasm) the advances. That women get ahead by lying on their backs and spreading their legs every day and that all women do it one way or another to advance their careers. That "what did they expect, going to his room"? The mentality that "maybe women should go to all Dr., professional, etc. appointments with a friend" if they can't handle it on their own. How about those in power simply not rape women... has anyone ever thought of that?! The ignorance and disrespect spewed by these comments, and the fact that so many people truly believe this crap is exactly why I will never come forward as a #metoo survivor. I've struggled with the pain of the assault and have come out as a stronger woman.
And as sad as it is, this doesn't even touch on the sexual harassment I've endured, both as a teenager, college student and professional. I've had a college professor offer me a better grade for a "favor" (I got up and walked out of his office without saying a word). I've had a judge tell me, off the record of course, that he "didn't care what I wore as long as it was a skirt," and then proceeded into court to argue my case. I had the same judge proudly tell me about how he was directly responsible for hiring the stripper for the annual county bar association meeting many years ago even though the few women of the bar were highly offended. I've had male professionals make highly inappropriate comments to me, even suggesting we take a sauna together, "just joking, of course". I've been in rooms with clients that made my skin crawl, thankful the exit door was only a foot away. I've had male clients tell me "I know where you live" and not because they were my neighbor or had any other reason to know, and not in any context that could be construed as anything but creepy. I've had the CEO of a client specifically ask how my sex life is, and when I tried to change the subject, he went into a detailed story about some sex scene in a movie he saw. I had a male colleague pursue me almost to the point of stalking, only backing off when I loudly proclaimed to another lawyer in his presence that I both own and happen to be a pretty good shot with both a shotgun and a rifle (and thankfully I am). I've been stalked by an ex-suitor, to the point that I slept with said shotgun under my bed for several months.
None of these incidents have been reported. Who would I tell and what difference would it make anyways? And frankly, do I really want some idiots out there blaming me, telling me that it all benefited my career so who cares if I had to endure a few crude jokes. I'm thankful that none of these incidents were by my superiors or co-workers so I've never had to decide whether to keep my mouth shut to keep my job. I just kept my mouth shut because of shame, embarrassment and the knowledge that what I deal with isn't any different what most women in our country deal with at some point in their lives. That somehow this is just what it means to be a woman and I can either let it roll off my back or I can be bothered by every incident.
In fairness, not all incidents are the same and some are significantly more traumatic than others, and I've dealt with each one differently. I never saw my assaulter again, which means that I've walked away from friendships with mutual friends without explanation. The judge has retired. I made sure to never be alone in a room with the CEO again. I now own a pistol, which is tucked away in my bedroom (which was a gift courtesy of my husband). I've grown older, grayer and now carry a "don't f*#! with me" confidence. But I am not ready to be judged by strangers for actions others have taken toward me (that I didn't even get a say in). I am not ready to break my father's heart by letting him know that I was harmed so seriously as to require months of therapy to stop sleeping in a closet with the lights on. I'm not ready to be accused of making professional advances for any reason other than the fact that I've worked my tail off to get here. And for that, I am not nearly as courageous as all of those willing to admit that they, like me, know we belong to #metoo .
The reality, and it's a frightening one, is that the problem is likely 10 times worse. For every woman who reports sexual assault to the police, there are many, MANY, more who do not. For every woman who reports sexual harassment to a superior, there are many, MANY, more who do not. How do I know this? I fit both categories and I have many friends who fit one, the other, or both as well.
And while I believe the #metoo campaign (campaign, is that even the right word?) is important for awareness, and I vigorously applaud those willing and able to use their voice to advance this cause, I cannot be one of those people.
I knew at the time my sexual assault occurred that the backlash, the victim blaming and similar behaviors would be more than I could endure. Especially in my then-fragile state of just trying to survive each day. I knew that I would never see legal justice, as very few do, and that his job as a prosecutor (in the county where it occurred) would be more than I could overcome with the truth. Even though I knew, then, deep down inside of me (and 18 years later, I know with certainty) that it was not my fault, that I did not do anything to cause him to rape me, that he alone made the decision to hurt me. I also knew that the in my survivor-mode I did not have the courage to fight that public battle of reporting the incident. I did not have the courage to look my father in the face and say "this happened to me, your little girl." I did not have the courage to tell my mother that I was now blemished for life.
Over the years I have had the courage to tell exactly 3 people: my best friend at the time, my therapist (the hiring of which was to deal with the assault after my best friend pushed and prodded me to get desperately needed help to deal with it after I spent several months sleeping in a closet with the lights on), and my now husband. It was difficult to tell each of them, though none of them judged, thank God. But as #metoo has spread, my husband continues to express shock as to how many people he knows who are "coming out", if you will, who he had no idea had endured such issues. When I tried to explain to him that probably half the women he knows has had some kind of issue, he blew it off as an exaggeration. This is my own husband, a man who believes in women, who respects women, who supports me, always and unconditionally, and who is appalled that there is so much of this out there. Yet, he is oblivious as to the scope of the problem and can't imagine it's really as big as I'm trying to tell him it is.
And as powerful as #metoo is, over of the last few days I've read the comment boards & I've heard some of the discussion (mostly, but not entirely from men) that the women in Hollywood knew exactly what they were doing and they made millions off "enduring" (used with easily identified sarcasm) the advances. That women get ahead by lying on their backs and spreading their legs every day and that all women do it one way or another to advance their careers. That "what did they expect, going to his room"? The mentality that "maybe women should go to all Dr., professional, etc. appointments with a friend" if they can't handle it on their own. How about those in power simply not rape women... has anyone ever thought of that?! The ignorance and disrespect spewed by these comments, and the fact that so many people truly believe this crap is exactly why I will never come forward as a #metoo survivor. I've struggled with the pain of the assault and have come out as a stronger woman.
And as sad as it is, this doesn't even touch on the sexual harassment I've endured, both as a teenager, college student and professional. I've had a college professor offer me a better grade for a "favor" (I got up and walked out of his office without saying a word). I've had a judge tell me, off the record of course, that he "didn't care what I wore as long as it was a skirt," and then proceeded into court to argue my case. I had the same judge proudly tell me about how he was directly responsible for hiring the stripper for the annual county bar association meeting many years ago even though the few women of the bar were highly offended. I've had male professionals make highly inappropriate comments to me, even suggesting we take a sauna together, "just joking, of course". I've been in rooms with clients that made my skin crawl, thankful the exit door was only a foot away. I've had male clients tell me "I know where you live" and not because they were my neighbor or had any other reason to know, and not in any context that could be construed as anything but creepy. I've had the CEO of a client specifically ask how my sex life is, and when I tried to change the subject, he went into a detailed story about some sex scene in a movie he saw. I had a male colleague pursue me almost to the point of stalking, only backing off when I loudly proclaimed to another lawyer in his presence that I both own and happen to be a pretty good shot with both a shotgun and a rifle (and thankfully I am). I've been stalked by an ex-suitor, to the point that I slept with said shotgun under my bed for several months.
None of these incidents have been reported. Who would I tell and what difference would it make anyways? And frankly, do I really want some idiots out there blaming me, telling me that it all benefited my career so who cares if I had to endure a few crude jokes. I'm thankful that none of these incidents were by my superiors or co-workers so I've never had to decide whether to keep my mouth shut to keep my job. I just kept my mouth shut because of shame, embarrassment and the knowledge that what I deal with isn't any different what most women in our country deal with at some point in their lives. That somehow this is just what it means to be a woman and I can either let it roll off my back or I can be bothered by every incident.
In fairness, not all incidents are the same and some are significantly more traumatic than others, and I've dealt with each one differently. I never saw my assaulter again, which means that I've walked away from friendships with mutual friends without explanation. The judge has retired. I made sure to never be alone in a room with the CEO again. I now own a pistol, which is tucked away in my bedroom (which was a gift courtesy of my husband). I've grown older, grayer and now carry a "don't f*#! with me" confidence. But I am not ready to be judged by strangers for actions others have taken toward me (that I didn't even get a say in). I am not ready to break my father's heart by letting him know that I was harmed so seriously as to require months of therapy to stop sleeping in a closet with the lights on. I'm not ready to be accused of making professional advances for any reason other than the fact that I've worked my tail off to get here. And for that, I am not nearly as courageous as all of those willing to admit that they, like me, know we belong to #metoo .
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Setting Goals - looking ahead
I think I'm official in mid-life. I'm 45, which means that if I think I'll live until I'm 90, I'm at the mid-way point of my life. As a result, unknowingly, I have found myself contemplating my life (thus the failure post a few weeks back) in different ways. When I was young I wanted to change the world (don't we all?). When I started working, I just wanted to do good work and help people and maybe get recognized a bit for my hard work.
Now I just want to survive the day. Well, not exactly "survive", but many days feel that way. I do want to do good work and help people, but I no longer care if my efforts are recognized or not, likely because in my line of work the "thanks for your help" acknowledgments are very rare. In fact, I have saved every thank you note over my 20 year career and I can count them on one hand (including those as short as a sticky note attached to payment that says nothing more than "thanks so much!").
I also have found that I care less about the words of thanks from clients and co-workers and care significantly more about the time I spend with Chad & the kids. I've found myself considering how I can work less, bill less, and play more. I find myself thinking about how life is happening and I feel more like a spectator than a participant. I know this isn't true and I/we do all kinds of fun things every day (well, most days). But I feel like I'm more and more sucked into the daily grind of "just getting through the day" and that it's only going to get worse as the kids are more and more busy with their own lives.
The result of this, as I think about it, has been my push for time with the kids, mostly time running. The memories I'm making running with them single week are huge for me, even though I know they are often bored when running with mom. The moments we share, especially on the trail and when we're one on one are not necessarily prime photo opportunities, but they are burned into my brain, both snippets of watching the kids leap over rocks and obstacles and the intimate discussions we have. So, I've set them on a path of reaching for goals and feeling the enjoyment of reaching them. And they have done well, and are proud of their hard work and efforts (as am I).
And I've set goals for myself and have found the joy of reaching them as well. Half marathons, marathons, back to back multi-day running races, a few bike races, and even a few tris (have I mentioned how terrified I am of drowning?). Each has brought its own challenges and rewards. This year, I think because I'm still striving for new goals, I finally wanted to find a way to run a sub-2:00 half marathon. My old ways were not working. While I had brought my time down from just over 2:20 in 2005 to just under 2:03 in 2015, I couldn't get to that magic 9:09/mile pace.
So I decided to do something for me, just for me, and hired a running coach. This was one of the most selfish, but also one of the most rewarding, things I have done. Most of what I do is for someone else, really pretty much everything I do except when I run is for someone else. So spending money on something that benefits no one but me felt wrong, but over time has come to feel like the most important investment I could make. She has kicked my butt day in and day out for several months. She has taught me that what I thought was "really hard pace" was actually only "sort of hard pace." She has taught me that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself (though I've also realized that I still have much to prove to myself), she has believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and yes, she has trained me to run a sub-2:00 half--not once but twice in about 3 months. The first time I broke my PR by almost 4 minutes, running a 1:59:08 and the second a 1:57:23 (sub-9:00/mile pace). Wahoo!
So now where do I go? What goals do/should I have in my sights? Do I continue to try to get faster (did I mention I'm 45 years old and have asthma?!)? Do I try to take some time off my marathon PR (which isn't all that fast)? Or maybe, just maybe, I start wondering if I might have it in me to run an ultra... A 50k isn't really all that much more than a marathon, right? I'm guessing those 5 extra miles could feel like eternity, but maybe, just maybe, there's only one way to find out. I've got time to contemplate, as my racing season is over for 2017. But, I am looking for new goals to reach, new times to set, new hurdles to overcome. Some day I'll be too old, too tired, too something to continue seeking these kind of challenges, and I know someday my time will eventually run out. But today is not that day, and until that day comes I will keep looking for ways to push myself to make the second half of my life even better than the first was.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Live another year
Once a year, and thankfully only once a year, I have to visit my local oncologist and today was that day. She's a nice enough person, and a good doctor, but I dread this appointment nonetheless. Truth be told, deep down I know I'll very likely receive the same news as last year; "You're slightly anemic, but your blood counts are holding steady and nothing has changed." This is, truly, good news. I get to live another year. But no matter how optimistic I am that each year will be the same, there's still a part of me that wonders if this will be the year I instead hear "your white blood counts have gone through the roof and we need to find out if it's spreading." They say that day might not ever come, but also that it could. It could be next year, or in 5 years, or 20, or never. And until then, I live in one-year increments. I get to live another year, but what about the year after that or the next one after that?
I spend a fair amount of time in between these annual visits reminding (convincing?) myself that if it was spreading I'd know it. I would feel different. Something would hurt. I'd be exhausted (well, I am but I know it's from hard training and not getting enough sleep). I wouldn't feel good after eating. Something. I like to think that I know my body pretty well and am pretty tuned into what is going on after all these years and especially the years of running and training and listening to my body every single day. But would I? Would I really have some warning? Or will I one day show up at my yearly appointment and have the surprise sprung on me that not all is as good as I had thought? I don't obsess over it (well, maybe a little because I am the obsessive type), but it's always just kind of there in the back of my mind. And I go to my yearly appointment, and I see the people in the waiting area, or receiving treatment, and I think "that's probably going to be me some day."
And that, that, is why I run. That is why I train and push my body. That is why I try to eat as healthy as I can (and organic as much as possible). I have to do what I can, whether it actually helps or not, to try to decrease my odds of getting that bad news because I've got a lot of life left to experience and things I want to do.
I spend a fair amount of time in between these annual visits reminding (convincing?) myself that if it was spreading I'd know it. I would feel different. Something would hurt. I'd be exhausted (well, I am but I know it's from hard training and not getting enough sleep). I wouldn't feel good after eating. Something. I like to think that I know my body pretty well and am pretty tuned into what is going on after all these years and especially the years of running and training and listening to my body every single day. But would I? Would I really have some warning? Or will I one day show up at my yearly appointment and have the surprise sprung on me that not all is as good as I had thought? I don't obsess over it (well, maybe a little because I am the obsessive type), but it's always just kind of there in the back of my mind. And I go to my yearly appointment, and I see the people in the waiting area, or receiving treatment, and I think "that's probably going to be me some day."
And that, that, is why I run. That is why I train and push my body. That is why I try to eat as healthy as I can (and organic as much as possible). I have to do what I can, whether it actually helps or not, to try to decrease my odds of getting that bad news because I've got a lot of life left to experience and things I want to do.
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